Immanuel
Christina at Timberline Lodge celebrating our 5th Anniversary - 12/15/2023
He is not withholding anything from us.
Reflecting on Christmas I usually think of how Christmas has meant different things to me at different times of my life. When I was a kid, it was about experiencing the mystery, the excitement of Christmas morning, being blown away by the generosity of mom and dad, the cleverness of Santa, and the joy of receiving so many gifts all at once. When I was in high school and college it was often pessimistic, knowing I’m not going to get anything I hope or expect, but at least I’ll show up for my family so I can go do my own think later.
But somewhere in the last 10 years it shifted into a season of reflection on family, friends, and of course Jesus being with me. It’s not sad or happy, usually a complicated version of both. Missing the feelings of excitement and surprise, while also coming face to face with the fact that there are still many things in my life Jesus has yet to accomplish and promises still left unfulfilled, and at the very same time all the more joyful from how remarkable it is that he has come and is present and draws close to someone like me.
In recent years I’ve come to accept that all of these feelings are valuable and important to Christmas and to God. Instead of trying to separate them between “good” and “bad” I’ve discovered the beauty in allowing myself to reflect and accept all of it rather than trying to cover up the bad and supplement the good. That being said, this Christmas is definitely much more difficult than ones in the last few years. I’m accepting a call into the mission field which takes time and effort to raise money. In the mean time my obedience (and lack of income) in the last few months has placed us in a position where we can only move forward or go back. I either trust God to provide for his own assignment to me or flip the car around a head for certain security.
It’s an interesting thing to experience a Christmas as an adult and unashamedly communicating that we won’t be buying presents this year. There is definitely relief, but also some sense of sadness in choosing not to participate in the giving of gifts to family and friends on Christmas morning. What’s even more strange is receiving gifts on Christmas morning even when you haven’t got anything to give in return! It’s almost as if gifts aren’t gifts at all until you truly give or receive without any reciprocation. It really is humbling to feel loved and served by family during this vocational transition.
This Christmas I’ve really been pressured to trust God’s provision like never before. I’m realizing that December might be the worst month of the year to fundraise for missional work. It’s as if God is allowing me to feel the fear and the hope at the same time in order for me to make a full-hearted, clear-minded, resolute decision about what this year will look like. EVERY year since Christina and I have been married we’ve seen and experienced God’s provision and generosity. Why should this year be any different? It’s hard to tell whether the burden I feel this time around is that of the enemy or God, or I suppose even God allowing the enemy. But I trust him. I really trust him. I trust his voice, his heart for me and Christina, his desire to lead us into more of what the secret places of our hearts long for. I trust that even in this SLOW transition between seasons his timing, his providence, is the best. He is not withholding anything from us.
Even our lack must be his glory because truly he is Immanuel, God with us.
